| [30 March 2005] The bus ride that narrates my 2nd year 2nd semester
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Who would think that one bus ride can symbolize my second semester of my second year in UP Manila?
My usual ride and route home is a bus from Faura to Pasong Tamo, then a jeep from Pasong Tamo to our condo. I normally fall asleep on the bus (strange though, I can't sleep when I'm in the car), waking up just in time to go down at my stop. Unfortunately, two Fridays ago, which was March 18, I missed my stop. I woke up, I know where I was... but that wasn't where I was supposed to be. I missed my stop. I couldn't go down just anywhere because I didn't know how to get home from anywhere else other than my stop and the last stop, Ayala. And it was raining really hard. So I had to go all the way to Ayala just to get home. Traffic. Not only on the road, but also inside Glorietta. People everywhere. Midnight madness. Just great. But I got home, eventually, after waiting for about 20 minutes for the right jeep to pass by. And after waiting, I wasn't able to get on the right jeep even. I had to transfer yet to another one so I can get home without getting too wet. But I got home.
Now, how is that bus ride related to this semester? The theme is... NOT KNOWING WHEN TO STOP. Let's make analogies. Legend: BR=Bus Ride.
And so, the sem goes by normally (BR: going home through my normal ride and route), with the addition of more Chorale activities (Dec. 4 concert, singing at UP functions, mini-concert, everyday rehearsals, etc.). I got too caught up in the other things (BR: sleeping) rather than in my academics that I was doing that I did not know when to stop (BR: missing the stop). Because of that, I faced a lot of consequences and obstacles (BR: heavy rain and traffic). I failed some of my exams, I did not get enough, or even, any sleep, I fought with my friends and family, all of which I am not very used to, and experiencing all of these devastated me. When I realized all this, I knew that I should lie low a bit, having to absent myself if I have an exam (BR: finally stopping at Ayala). However, the path was still difficult (BR: massive crowd in Glorietta). But through hard work (although what I did to catch up was still not hard enough) and determination (BR: getting on the jeep and just transferring just to get home), I was able to redeem myself, at least even a bit (BR: getting home). For instance, I got exempted from taking the Zoo 102 finals (yet my pre-final grade is loooow... ick. What can I expect... Duh.). AND, I am proud to say that I passed my 4th Chem 31 exam (it's not that high as well, though, but still!).
Oh yeah... at the end of the bus trip... I asked the bus conductor how much was it until the last stop, coz I'm sure it's greater than P12.00. He did not make me pay for the extra kilometers that I travelled. He told me it was okay. What's this in my semester? God did not make me pay as well, at least, not yet. He is still giving me a chance. He gave me a tough ride, but in the end, he tells me that it's okay, and He let's me off the bus, tells me to move on and try my best to find my way home.
Thank you, bus conductor. Thank you, Kuya Jess.
My 2nd year 2nd sem is so far the worst sem in my college life. I can already forsee a "tres"... a grade I have dreaded since I entered the university (but of course, I prefer that over a "quatro" or "singko"). But it was one heck of a sem. I learned so many things. I just have to apply these things that I have learned in the next semester.
And I will. Aja.
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| [16 March 2005] Kapit lang...
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Kung di ko pa toh sinabi sa kaibigan ko, I would not have remembered one of the most important things I have learned in Days...
KAPIT LANG.
It has been weeks, or maybe even more than a month, since I prayed sincerely. Shempre, sincere rin naman ako tuwing nagdadasal ako before and after meals. I am thankful for the food I eat. Other than that, hindi naman nawawala... before exams. Oo, sincere din ako, sa paghihingi kay Lord ng guidance at ipadala Niya sana sa akin ang Holy Spirit para ipaalala sa'kin yung mga naaral ko, kahit konti lang. Pero narealize ko, ang tagal ko nang hindi kinakausap ng masinsinan si Lord. Hindi ko na Siya nakekwentuhan. I still say my Thank Yous, my Sorrys. I lift to Him my praises and my requests. Pero iba pa din, yung tipong wala lang, gusto mo lang magbuhos sa Kanya. Hindi ko na nagagawa yun. Mashado akong naging busy.
And I guess that's it. I was too busy worrying about lots of stuff. Ang dami kong inaalala. I'm almost on the verge of giving up. Kaya ko pa ba? May pagka-optimistic lang ako, pero minsan, di ko na nga lang talaga alam. Feeling ko sobrang nagdedeteriorate na ang kakayahan ko. I get dumber and dumber each day... dahil nagkakamatayan na ang brain cells ko... dahil hindi ako nakakatulog ng maayos.
At narealize ko... na kailangan kong kayanin. At kailangan ko lang kumapit. Huwag bibitaw. Siguro, sa mga panahong nahirapan ako, bumitaw na pala ako sa Kanya. Kaya ako naligaw, nawala.
Absorbing that 2-word sentence made me feel that I can make it.
And I also remembered another important thing that Days has taught me...
TANGGAP LANG NG TANGGAP.
Sabi nga nila, hindi ka bibigyan ng pagsubok ni Lord na alam Niyang di mo kaya. At kung sakaling di mo na nga mapasan, bubuhatin ka Niya, o aakuin Niya yung krus na bitbit mo. O kaya naman, gusto Niya na may matutunan ka sa pagsubok na ibinigay Niya para sa iyo.
So, I think it's time that I stop complaining. I wanted this. And I guess Kuya Jess would not have given me the idea of getting into these things (PH, Chorale, SC) if He knew that I could not do it.
Kaya, Kuya... sorry po at bumitaw ako.
Plugs: Tal, Francine.
Former made me come to this realization. Latter assured me that it's okay to go downhill.
Thanks. Love yah. We can go through this, aryt?
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| [15 March 2005] Kudos to our policemen...
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Narinig mo na ba yung nangyari sa Bicutan? May mga taga Abu Sayaff na nakakuha ng baril nung mga pulis na nagbabantay sa kanila... kaya ayun, nakatakas sila. Kasi naman eh, dapat naman talaga, walang weapons na dala sa loob. May mga namatay na, may mga demanda pa sila. Kaya ngayon... strict na naman ngayon sa security. Strict NA NAMAN.
Bakit hindi pwedeng laging maging strict pagdating sa security?
Bago mag lunch, pumunta ako sa Manila Doctors para kunin yung lab results ng lolo ko. Tapos, sumakay ako ng jeep papuntang Pedro Gil para makapunta sa PH lib. Malamang madadaanan ko ang PGH. Tama ba naman, ang dami dami daming pulis dun, nagbabantay. Bakit? Kasi may nangyari na naman?
Ganyan naman palagi. Kung kelang nagkagulo, dun lang sila maghihigpit.
Tulad na lang noon, nung nagkaroon ng mga bombing bombing sa Mindanao, tapos sa Metro Manila, gusto nila magkaroon ng National ID System (tama ba?), tapos pa-check check ng bag pagpasok ng mall, nag-iinspect sila ng kotse. Ang nakakainis pa, wala rin namang nangyayari sa ginagawa nila! Una, alam ba nila kung ano yung hinahanap nila? Pangalawa, hindi naman nila tinitignan lahat ng pockets sa bag mo. Saka haller?!? Hindi naman talaga sila nagche-check ng bag! Pinapasok lang nila yung stick na hawak nila sa bag mo, tapos wala na. Pangatlo, may detector nga, wala namang silbi. Tumunog, hindi, nagpapapasok pa rin sila. Ano beh!?
Siguro after mga 2 weeks, wala na uli. Magla-lie low nanaman ang mga pulis. Magpapataba't magpapayaman na naman sila (although alam ko naman na hindi lahat ng pulis ay ganito). Maghihintay ng isa na naman ng massive bombing bago sila umaksyon uli. Pwede ba?
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| [14 March 2005] A Walk to Remember
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I had to wake up early to finish our lab report. Unfortunately, I still can't access the Internet through our PC, so I had to set up the laptop outside the room so I can use my mom's account. I turned on the TV, and A Walk to Remember was about to be shown on HBO. I'm still watching it right now. When I was at my classmate's house, we watched the first part of it before we went to Market Market.
I remember the first time I saw the movie, I was with my brother. I cried. Even my brother cried. It was one of the really heartrending movies I've seen.
On second thought... I cry almost at all drama movies!
Right now... I'm crying... again. Hahaha. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. I remembered what was so nice about the movie.
Aaaw, Jamie and Langdon just got married. They're so cute.
I want to get a book.
I suddenly remembered this male friend of mine who loves A Walk to Remember. He also happens to be my lab partner... oh yeah, the report. Hahaha. Gotta finish it.
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| [09 March 2005] Failure...
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I have set high standards for myself, maybe because my parents expect so much from me and other people think highly of me (for reasons I really don't know... seriously).
I think I have been overworking myself... handling academics and Chorale at the same time, then I even ran for a position in our college's student council. And guess what? I won. At least I think I did (there's no formal announcement yet). People actually ask me what I really intend to be in the future: a doctor? a singer? a politician?
I ask myself the 4 W's and 1 H:
What am I trying to prove?
Where will this lead me to?
Why am I doing this?
Who am I kidding?
How am I going to get by these things?
I have had my first taste of failure in college in summer of 2004. I did not think it would happen again. I did not think I could get anything lower than that. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I now have had my second taste. I laughed at it, but deep inside, I was devastated. Crushed. Distressed.
Moreover, I was angry and disappointed with myself. I could have done a good job. But I didn't.
Failure sucks.
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