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[28 July 2007] Negative Feedback
The OS 203 Upper Ex exam was like a stimulus that opened my gated channels. Negative energy flowed freely from higher to lower concentration. I got into a state of entropy. Fear went through the blood-brain barrier. I got so infected by doubt that it seemed septic already.

Negative energy became excessive. My limbic system responds. Acetylcholine activates my nicotinic and muscarinic receptors, inducing lacrimation. I don't know if I still have the ATP to move on.

Finally, my body had enough negative energy. My control system gets revved up, initiating negative feedback.

A bar of Crunch.
A memory of a smile.
Friends.
Jess.

The gates started to close. Positive energy began to diffuse in.

Homeostasis is achieved.

...

I REALLY want to be a doctor. I guess that's why I got so worried to the point that the worrying was too much and it didn't help anymore. Believe me, it's not just academics. And I don't have any intention of competing with anyone in class. But there's this pressure that comes with it, and it just affected me the wrong way that instead of helping me in my inner struggle, it made me experience pessimism at its best.

I need to do better. My efforts are not enough, and I have to learn. So basically, I have to shut up now and study for Monday's exam so that I can do good :p

Salamat, guys :) I really needed the boost. And booze, perhaps? Party tayo next week :p Hehehehehehe. Tapos akyat ng bundok the next day!

Kaya natin 'to!!!!! Kapit lang... Dose, walang iwanan :)


[26 July 2007] Unstable
It's been days that I've been feeling down and not myself. I'm feeling worse that putting up the happy mask is beginning to become harder and harder to do each day.

The feeling is unexplainable. But it has something to do with med school, definitely. It's med and being in the pool of people who are unbelievably extraordinary.

*sigh*


[30 June 2007] Starting to feel the pressure
Imagine this: You're just in your 3rd week in med school.

You come to class. You don't understand anything. But you see your classmates nodding to what the professor was saying, raising their hands, answering his questions.

You come to a review. You don't remember what they're talking about. But you see your classmates calling out the parts of the brain even before the student holding the reviews did, correcting him even, throwing in explanations and associating its function.

You go home. And you start asking youself:

Why am I here?
Am I in the right place?
Am I really supposed to be here?
Can I really do this?

Then, you cry.


[20 June 2007] The Longest Hour of My Life
I've never been in so much bliss, yet at the same time in so much torment in my whole life. A few meters away was that someone who I don't see too often, but with even just a glimpse of his smile, my knees get weak and my heart skips a beat. But just a feet away was someone whom I can't stand being in the same room with.

I would never have imagined that tachycardia and bradychardia at the same time was actually possible. Very serious.


[13 June 2007] Pre-birthday thoughts
With the face & heart (not to mention, height!) of a teenager, how could I ever feel like in my 20s???

Seriously though, I don't feel any older. And it's not that I'm just in denial. I've already accepted that I'm turning twent........ twent..... twenty...... twenteen...... twenteen-one in a few hours!

Haha, fine. 21, then.

Twenty-one friggin' years of SSB-ness, but nonetheless, they were great years! And I'm very thankful for everything and everyone that made them great. And of course, I couldn't be grateful enough to Him for giving me another year, and hopefully more years (at least after I graduate Med school, pass the board exam, practice, specialize, finally remove my SSB status, get married, have kids and have grandkids... basically, I hope the Lord will give me many many more years ) to come for me!

Happy Happy Birthday to the gorgeous people who were born on the same day, especially KC (Banzon), KC (Vinluan), Nadine and Jeella!


[17 May 2007] Another burst of anger
Even if you call me suplada a million times, whatever you say, I will NEVER ever like him. Not in this world. Not in this lifetime. I don't want to be plastic for people to like me. And I don't want to be plastic either to people that I don't like. Don't force me to answer your question. PLEASE.

You don't think I realize it? Why are you forcing me to like him? Why are you so worried and do all these efforts to please him? Why do you have so many secrets, wanting to do this and that but offer no explanation? It's DISGUSTING, and I'm getting sick of it.

I am afraid to know it. To hear it from you. Even if it will set me free, I don't want to seek the truth. What if I'm right all along? I wouldn't know what I would do, what I'm capable of doing. And so, I beg you. Show me. Prove to me that there's nothing. That I was wrong all this time.